This fell into my thoughts pretty late as I type this. Listening to a new song by Ghost called Cirice for the fourth time now. Quite stoned, and planning on smoking more, I feel that this song could go along with Succor well, maybe in a movie or something like that.
Projects, videos, songs, and even speeches of my creation at librarys is developing really fast for the story! I'm so happy about that right now, because I've worked hard on this. I originally pushed myself to fall into a project. I'm following advice on Bunny Bennett's rule: "lose yourself in your work when transitioning!" aka, work at it. It started out to be a boring day thing of writing out a chapter and grew to this. It's amazing how well the story is developing. I've also had a few very stressful moments, where Succor got in the way of my 'sanity' I guess. I've been late with projects, I guess just being overwhelmed by how much is happening, so fast.
I'm so depressed though, because Succor's chapters are having trouble getting out. Not mostly because I've been working at the chapters, but my own emotional health is bugging and getting in the way of my work. And my passion. How long has it been since another chapter has been up? More than a week I'm sure of it.
I haven't been this happy, working on somethiing this big in at least ten years. I've been dealing with an unknown depression that grew to its maximum capasity around last year, when the gender dysphoria hit its hardest. Why do I have to struggle with this?
Lately, in my mind, I've heard myself say "You're not August yet! You're just (birth name) and smoke to much weed, and you don't even have a proper job! Stop waisting time on the damn book and get a job!"
Why do I have to do that to myself?
Once again, I use Bunny's words. Get used to it, I pretty much idolize her, and the band. Fanboy over here.
Anyway, she has 'guided me' for a while now, giving me advice about transitioning in the emotional and public eye. I've heard how she tells not to give negaitvie thoughts the light of day. Squelch it, do it, work hard not to even do something like that. Emotionally, I've been awesome the past few months. Getting stoned, music, and book have been a important combination during this time.
For about a week, I've lost that feeling.
I think what could be is the home life as of late. To sow the seeds of my depression, i've had a realization of what cannot be changed in my life. Family. In being in a family of all woman in the home. Woman by birth i mean. I feel more masculine. I've told myself, alloud, that I am the man of the house. I've haven't been caught just yet, but Mom is more sensitive, and grandmother is being more...well. Enabling. Every day I have to spend with a mother who is addicted to pain killers, smokes way to much, and insults me on no end about my gender dysphoria. She gets her pills easy by my grandma, who simply lets it all go away to her daughter. I also got loving but also asshole step father leaning on me about smoking to much weed and not making enough money. He is pushing me to get work more, but I've lost something that he will never understand: the gender dysphoria, of course, but it was really the 'purpose' of my life being somehow lost.
I used to smoke weed and do creative stuff. I've made money off of my projects. I've worked on things to be proud of while high as a kite. Now I don't do that. I've found myself five times in the last four days where I was stoned out of my mind and watching family guy. IE. Not doing a damn thing that I used to have a passion for. It burned out.
Right now I'm trying to drudge out a few pages of the next chapter, which has some importance to the story...
Maybe imaging a readers face when they discover what happens is good enough to push me to do my best. We'll see.
I haven't mentioned this, but I'm open to any submissions of people who want to contribute to this story. I've got an artist who wants to draw characters, and a friend who wants to write a song. Maybe I'll start thinking of a short film of the series, a trailer?
I want to find an artist. Someone, who wants to be a fufilling partner of the series's full creation. Oh well.